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NOVEMBER HOROSCOPES
By Astra Dilemma
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 Aries (March 21 - April 20)
'Heaven Must be Missing an Angel' is your favoured absent minded singing and whistling song for the month, especially until the 18th. Waves are to be avoided at all costs unless you are waving to a Cretan neighbour whilst driving past them in your car, or on your bicycle, but only then at under 60 km/h.
Taurus (April 21 - May 21)
You will be drawn into a physically stressful argument over a small mammal, with a child or young teen around the 9th. Ensure a supply of fruit is on hand to console any small mammal which may overhear your hurtful, mammalist, prejudices.
Gemini (May 22 - June 21)
Check that the electricity company hasn't wired up a street light to your house supply by switching off your supply and watching whether street lights go on or off at least twice this month. (Remember that they might have wired up a street light not in immediate sight of your house.)
Cancer (June 22 - July 22)
This month you will decide on an exercise regime you have intended for years. Use this month, and the next one, to mentally prepare your body for the exertion by imagining your workout pattern. Then join the gym on the 1st January with everyone else in the world. Sprouts, especially Brussel ones, should be avoided after the 5th. (In fact, all completely green vegetables are poorly starred for the first three weeks in the month as Neptune's circumference becomes temporarily frosty.)
Leo (July 23 - August 23)
This month you will be entertained by a 'murder most foul' classic crime mystery. This will take the form of, either, a dinner murder mystery weekend, a compulsive television drama, or a dead body found under your stairs. Hash browns are your favoured fast food this month.
Virgo (August 24 - September 23)
A new baby, or a wild animal that likes nothing better than to scream at the top of its high, screechy, range, is about to enter your life in the most unexpected of ways. Stock up on baby food and dried animal pellets, always favouring products with banana or papaya in them.
Libra (September 24 - October 23)
Avoid strong swear words, abbreviations of words which could be misconstrued as strong swear words and erotic arm movements until the 21st. Innuendo in all of its forms should be avoided, daily, until the clock strikes 11.
Scorpio (October 24 - November 22)
A sonnet you wrote, but were embarrassed to show anyone, will become public on a daytime chat show on the 23rd. It will, ultimately, cause one of the worst fist and chair fights in daytime television history for which you will be billed.
Sagittarius (November 23 - December 21)
Mercury's moment of prenambulant hypertension suggests malarkey is well starred. Beware men in orange socks and bow ties not from a circus.
Capricorn (December 22 - January 20)
Bending over with your botty in the air should be avoided after the 6th, especially if you are wearing tight fitting skirts and have inquisitive house pets. Beware argumentative dwarfs with a penchant for singing rugby songs and tackling below the knee.
Aquarius (Januari 21 - February 19)
Philosophy: Beware the floating bubble of the angry fish, especially if you haven't seen where the bubble has come from... Camp fires are under a bad star confluence after the 7th now that Mars has learnt how to crack wood from afar.
Pisces (February 20 - March 20)
Leftovers from a chicken meal will cause one of the most bizarre arguments in your life this month, and may only be resolvable using professional arbitrators.
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